October 31, 2007

shh, she already has body image issues

Posted in miscellany tagged at 5:37 pm by squishy

Yahoo News: “Woman claims pet-sitter made her pig fat”

“That pig is my life,” said Schmitz, who has a tattoo of Alaina’s name.

Sadly, there was no photo of said fat pig.

In other news, my left foot is bigger than my right foot, but my right hand is bigger than my left hand.

(slightly creepy) Photo: Daily Mail

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seriously, my overly sensitive nose will be the end of me

Posted in miscellany at 9:56 am by squishy

Along with those godawful essays, I also need to take the GRE for graduate school, which I finally got around to taking on Saturday. Standardized tests are currently undergoing a computerization revolution, so instead of marking up reading passages with my trusty No. 2 pencil, I had to squint to read a humming monitor. Which is ok, since everyone is similarly handicapped. And typing is so much nicer than scribbling furiously when it comes to the essay/written portion. Luddite, I am not. But what totally and completely sucked wasn’t the computerized aspect. The test itself wasn’t so bad, either. It was the girl in the next cubicle.

I was fortunate enough to be seated next to the flatulent girl in the PJs with the whale tail. She might have been under the delusion that no one could hear her arrhythmic staccato over the cheap noise-canceling headphones the testing center provided, or smell her contributions to the global warming crisis, but she was sorely mistaken. Just when the odor dissipated, she strangled out another fart. Oh sweet Jesus, those farts were horrible. Who could’ve guessed such copious and thunderous flatulence from such a petite girl?

Maybe it was the strain of staring into a computer screen, but for whatever reason, my eyes were itchy and watery by the end of the second section. I blame the gas.

October 30, 2007

the attractive serial killer, not the child prodigy with a bulgarian accent

Posted in sufficiently entertaining tagged at 12:59 pm by squishy

I spent the weekend being ‘bored’ by the World Series, and resisting the temptation to watch the entire first season of ‘Dexter.’ I’m savoring each episode, and I’m currently down 5, with 7 left to go. I love LOVE this show. This, combined with all the episodes of CSI I’ve re-watched, will be mighty handy in getting away with the perfect crime. I’ve actually wondered if exfoliating and depilating will reduce the chances of shedding DNA at a crime scene. I can’t be the only person thinking these things; there have to be other budding sociopaths out there, right?

Considering that this show is only in its second season, I’m actually early to the party. Especially considering the following: I just discovered Amy Winehouse’s ‘Back to Black’ 2 weeks ago (I only knew her as the emaciated British starlet with the beehive, odd teeth, a louse of a husband and a wee drug/alcohol problem). I started watching Arrested Development after it was canceled. I got my license at the age of 18, and I just had my first Pop Tart yesterday. I’ve yet to hear the ‘new’ Justin Timberlake song (sexy back? I don’t know how that’s possible, but I managed to do it). By 2012, I’ll be driving a hybrid vehicle, drooling over Leonardo DiCaprio, marathoning through ‘The OC and ‘The Sopranos,’ wearing footless leggings over textured tights and under skinny jeans with Uggs, and learning Chinese and/or Arabic.

more torreness

Posted in los dodgers tagged , , , at 10:49 am by squishy

From baseballprospectus.com

Behind the scenes, Grady Little was fired mostly for not being Joe Torre. There will be talk of clubhouse problems, but Little was undermined in the clubhouse by ownership. The more interesting news will be when the front office maneuvering plays out. GM Ned Colletti, AGM Kim Ng, and development guru Logan White have all been rumored as targets in the shifting sands of the Dodgers hierarchy. The Torre move is clearly coming from the McCourt family as well as consigliere Tommy Lasorda. If player moves – really big player moves – are made shortly, we’ll know that the purse strings now have become puppet strings.

Will Kim finally take over as GM? Will Logan White pursue greener pastures?  What else will the biennial McCourt panic bring?  The uncertainty is making me queasy, but the phrase that terrifies me most is CONSIGLIERE TOMMY LASORDA.

(runs away screaming)

Photo/reprieve: Seattle Times

joe torre, no longer unemployed

Posted in los dodgers tagged , , at 12:07 am by squishy

It’s semi-official: Joe Torre will be the 2008 (and 09 and 10?) manager of the LA Dodgers. Don Mattingly, the once-frontrunner for the NYY manager position, is rumored to follow Torre to LA and be his bench coach.

And I’m actually… kind of… agreeing with Bill Plaschke. The end is nigh. He still can’t write for bananas, though.

I’ve yet to process what this means for the Dodgers. It seems like it would be an expensive upgrade, perhaps to the detriment to the BP (somewhere, Scott Proctor is twitching, and he doesn’t know why… yet), but hopefully he can shore up that well-publicized, mortifyingly petty/stupid clubhouse rift. I wanted Girardi over Little for a while, and I think Torre would be good for the team… but I can think of several better ways to spend $5-7 million/year.

What I can’t get over is how poorly McCourt and Colletti handled this situation. Grady was given a 1-year contract extension in March 2007, with a club option for 2009. Less than a month ago, when the press and fans were demanding his head on a stake, the owner and GM publicly stood by Grady. But amidst rumors, their silence and lack of comments were very telling. They were by no means married to Grady, but they basically cheated on him with a shiny new manager.

According to ESPN, Joe Girardi was Plan A, and Torre was a backup. What makes no sense is that Girardi wasn’t managing in 2007, and could’ve easily been approached before Grady was given an extension and public support in September. The Dodgers only started sniffing around after the Yankees expressed interest in (and subsequently offered the job to) the former Marlins manager.

This is so juvenile. Grow up, Frank.
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October 29, 2007

essays have and will always suck

Posted in miscellany tagged at 4:36 pm by squishy

critic.jpg

I’m currently in the process of applying to graduate schools. Remember college essays? Remember how fucking STUPID you thought they were? Graduate schools are no different. Every school likes to ask the same 3-5 questions, but feels the compulsion to word them in their own, unique way. And, of course, they all have different word limitations. Too short, and they think you’re a lazy asswipe, and too long, they think you’re a wordy fothermucker. You can never win. These are my interpretations of some common questions. I want to shoot myself.

You have to be special in order for us to accept you. How special are you? Why? And we don’t mean short-bus special, of course. Be too confident, and we’ll call you a self-absorbed cocky SOB, and if you’re too modest, you’re not worth the postage required to mail this in. You should know, though, that you need to have a 4.5 GPA and have founded a small sovereign nation, and then we might consider you. Unless you’re an attractive half Inuit, half African American hermaphrodite who overcame non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and abject poverty but somehow have enough money to donate to us so we can build a state-of-the-art athletic facility for our Chancellor’s pet mongoose. Then we love you, and we’ll put you on our diversity brochure.
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October 26, 2007

i remember the live-action trailer bee-ing hilarious

Posted in i hate the word ‘gossip’ tagged , at 11:07 am by squishy

Sorry. That was a terrible, terrible pun (self-flagellates). But how cute is this? Chris Rock and his daughter at the premiere of ‘Bee Movie’!

chrisrock_beemovie.png

Photo: Just Jared

the CHP must love me

Posted in miscellany tagged at 10:45 am by squishy

I live in Southern California, which is famous for its beaches, housing costs, flip flop tans and bad, bad driving. I may be a contributor to that last Californian hallmark I mentioned, but hey, at least I obey the traffic rules! I actually use my blinker. I actually come to a full stop (the phrase “rolling stop” is an inherent contradiction, no?). I try to drive within 85-115% of the speed limit. I know too many people who have been affected by car accidents to fuck around with something as serious as driving.

Which brings me to Pet Peeve #C-98723.1: There are fewer things more annoying than tailgaters. If one of those turdflowers is following me, I purposely slow down to screw with them. Today, I was on my merry, groggy way to work, when I saw this very tailored, coiffed, and what I assumed was a proper woman in a sparkling silver Benz trying to get a sniff of my bumper. So naturally, I slowed down. In a one-lane road. Hee.
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October 24, 2007

google abuse

Posted in miscellany at 9:46 pm by squishy

ohlawd.jpg

As a cool feature of WordPress (and other blog services, I’m sure), I can see what search engine terms people use to end up here. I was amused by some: “Zac Efron boobs,” “dipshit Dora,” “prostate exam copulation” and “broomupmybutt-itis” (whoever tried it, I love you).

But the most disturbing one thus far has got to be…

“intercourse squishy sound”

I want to change my handle.

GENIUS

Posted in sufficiently entertaining tagged at 2:58 pm by squishy

The Voldemort inset is perfect. In this parallel HP universe, I imagine Us Magazine reporting (read: bullshit speculating) the existence of a sex tape.

Source/Sheer genius: Best Week Ever

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