October 11, 2007

help.. he’s killing my brain cells

Posted in asshat!, wtf? tagged at 1:04 am by squishy

Analogy of the moment…

Dane Cook : MLB :: squishy : orthopterology

dane-cook.jpg

Meaning I have no business studying grasshoppers, and Dane Cook has no business… well… doing many things, actually. One of which is speaking in public.

If you’re not familiar with this man, I would point you in the direction AWAY from your television. After watching 3 of his Comedy Central/HBO specials, I have concluded that he is an asswart of a comedian (I am not only masochistic but also methodical in my study of the asswart species). A Google search of “Dane Cook asshole” returns 70,000+ hits, and “Dane Cook douche” 30,000+. I am obviously not alone.

He is the human equivalent of the 28th, straight-to-video sequel of American Pie, who tries to compensate for his un-funniness with volume and hyperactivity, neither of which does a decent job masking his lack of comedic talent. And apparently, he is Carlos Mencian in his tendency to steal jokes. I got that off of Wikipedia. And Wikipedia is never, ever wrong.

For some inexplicable reason, he was chosen as the face of the 2007 MLB postseason. Mr. Cook has as much in common with the price of curry flavored penguin jerky in Santiago as he does with professional baseball. I can only imagine that some crusty old exec was thinking, “We should get that rascally fellow that boned Jessica Simpson. He’s so edgy, yet white. PERFECT.”

To annoy me even further, these playoff promos end with “There’s only ONE! OCTOBER!” when it should actually be something like, “There’s only ONE! OCTOBER! And perhaps a week or so into November, depending on how cooperative the weather is, and how evenly matched the two league champions are, thanks to Bud Selig and his new protracted playoff schedule.” ‘Tis only a small complaint and I can’t necessarily blame Dane Cook for this, but when these spots are played on loop, my rationality goes on vacation.

Note: Considering the surprising amount of hate mail I received for dissing Clay Aiken and Zac Efron, I understand that I’m only opening myself up for more spam from the throngs of boys who aspire to be Dane Cook, and the girls who think he’s so hot (if you Google Clay, Zac or Dane, I’m probably on the 62849213459th page… how do you end up here?) It’s time consuming to add your e-mail addresses to mailing lists for Viagra knock-offs, home loans, pyramid schemes and old people getting it on, so please, spare me. We both have better things to do. Go finish your homework.

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