October 26, 2007

the CHP must love me

Posted in miscellany tagged at 10:45 am by squishy

I live in Southern California, which is famous for its beaches, housing costs, flip flop tans and bad, bad driving. I may be a contributor to that last Californian hallmark I mentioned, but hey, at least I obey the traffic rules! I actually use my blinker. I actually come to a full stop (the phrase “rolling stop” is an inherent contradiction, no?). I try to drive within 85-115% of the speed limit. I know too many people who have been affected by car accidents to fuck around with something as serious as driving.

Which brings me to Pet Peeve #C-98723.1: There are fewer things more annoying than tailgaters. If one of those turdflowers is following me, I purposely slow down to screw with them. Today, I was on my merry, groggy way to work, when I saw this very tailored, coiffed, and what I assumed was a proper woman in a sparkling silver Benz trying to get a sniff of my bumper. So naturally, I slowed down. In a one-lane road. Hee.

I must have sparked her inner demon, because holy purple mustard seeds, she was pissed. Through the rearview mirror, I could see her thrust up her shriveled claws in annoyance/disgust, and mouth several expletives. When we reached a stoplight, she pulled up in the adjacent lane to make a right turn, rolled down the window, flipped me off and yelled “FUCK YOU.”

In similar scenarios, I’d been flipped off by other drivers, and I admit that I had been ITCHING to do this. I had my cell phone ready to take a picture of her doing whatever it was she was going to do. I am a prepared person.

I told the rabid lady that she was being redundant; the universal hand signal would suffice. But I have a suspicion that she was too aghast at being photographed that she didn’t hear what I said.

So I have a slightly blurred picture of a woman with a grotesque facial expression flipping me off on my phone (diagram THAT, grammar nerds). I’m tempted to print out copies and staple them to the neighborhood trees. I’ve yet to think of a witty-enough caption, but the photo should speak for itself. I hope she has kids who have been taught not to ever, ever swear, or else God smacks an angel, who retaliates by crapping on puppies.

Hypocrites suck.

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1 Comment »

  1. Sam said,

    I have not read such a satisfyingly hilarious rant in ages. Thanks for your candidness!

    Montreal, Quebec, the true city of reckless drivers


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