October 29, 2007

essays have and will always suck

Posted in miscellany tagged at 4:36 pm by squishy


I’m currently in the process of applying to graduate schools. Remember college essays? Remember how fucking STUPID you thought they were? Graduate schools are no different. Every school likes to ask the same 3-5 questions, but feels the compulsion to word them in their own, unique way. And, of course, they all have different word limitations. Too short, and they think you’re a lazy asswipe, and too long, they think you’re a wordy fothermucker. You can never win. These are my interpretations of some common questions. I want to shoot myself.

You have to be special in order for us to accept you. How special are you? Why? And we don’t mean short-bus special, of course. Be too confident, and we’ll call you a self-absorbed cocky SOB, and if you’re too modest, you’re not worth the postage required to mail this in. You should know, though, that you need to have a 4.5 GPA and have founded a small sovereign nation, and then we might consider you. Unless you’re an attractive half Inuit, half African American hermaphrodite who overcame non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and abject poverty but somehow have enough money to donate to us so we can build a state-of-the-art athletic facility for our Chancellor’s pet mongoose. Then we love you, and we’ll put you on our diversity brochure.

Did you screw up in school? Did you ever get a B-? If so, you’re a dipshit. Oh, and were you ever arrested? Were you ever charged for a DUI, cocaine possession, second degree manslaughter, or indecent exposure? Please explain. We need something to laugh at, since our jobs are so soul-suckingly pointless, and we need to feel better about ourselves. Writing a single word in this spot will guarantee a rejection, btw.

Tell us how much you love us and our shitty institution. Convince us that our school doesn’t completely and utterly suck; we need to be reminded on an hourly basis. It doesn’t hurt to say how much you love ME, the admissions lackey, since I haven’t gotten any lately, and on my salary, I can’t even afford an escort. I’m hot, right? My pecs/boobs are heavenly, no? And don’t forget to pay the $982,023.99 in fees we have to charge, since some schmuck has to read your pointless, derivative essay and judge you based upon your 21,398 word grovel-fest.

Make a typo or misuse homonyms, and we shall shred your essays, form a small pyre and prance around in the nude while your foolishness flickers and warms our blackened souls. And for our viewing pleasure, please enclose a photo of yourself.  Nudity encouraged.

Thanks for your interest in school-x! You’ll be hearing from us in the next 1-52 weeks!



  1. Lauren said,

    omg, that’s great

  2. Hiyeh said,

    Damnit–im half black and inuit(seriously) and ive been googling all day and this is all i find. Its so hard being me .

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