November 5, 2007

cue migraine

Posted in miscellany at 11:31 am by squishy


Shopping with a significant other, only behind shopping for a significant other, is perhaps one of the most masochistic things you can do. What good can come of it? It’s like entering a ‘how many arguments you can start in the span of one afternoon’ contest. Do you really want your boyfriend/girlfriend to know how much you’re willing to spend on a pair of handknit cashmere socks/hand-sanded graphic tee paying homage to 80s video game? Do you really want to wait on your bf/gf while he/she tries on clothes? What if they ask how they look? Do you go the honesty route and say, “Honey that isn’t really flattering, but you look great anyway,” or do you just grin and nod the Pavlovian nod? And what if there’s an income/spendiness disparity? I saw a guy ‘casually’ getting a feel for the expensiveness of a store, and he had to cough to mask his gasps of horror. You could see the panic in his face: holy shit, what have I gotten myself into? What do I get her for anniversaries and birthdays? I didn’t know she was so high maintenance! I wonder how much my kidney would fetch on the black market?

This weekend, I had to buy some socks (or something equally forgettable), so I ran out to the mall. Despite the HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE crowds (people are shopping for Christmas already!!), I had the pleasure of overhearing this conversation:

woman in flats: How about this one? (holds up XL sweater that doesn’t have horizontal stripes)
shorter, beefier man: (tries on M sweater with horizontal stripes) Don’t you like this one? (sweater stretches so much one can see what color shirt he is wearing underneath; dark lavender; sales associate tries not to ogle)
WIF: Babe, I think this would be more practical (shakes hanger vigorously)
SBM: I already have a bunch of those. Isn’t that too big? (preens)
WIF: You have a bunch because you look really good in them (holds up hanger to his chest)
SBM: I want to try something different (won’t stop preening)
WIF: Sweet Jesus.
SBM: You always tell me to try something different. Why, doesn’t this look nice?

It was riveting. I stood in my corner, folding, unfolding, folding and unfolding sweaters to hear more. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your perspective), they left without purchasing either sweater. I’m all for gender-role reversals, public mortification and delusional significant others… as long as it doesn’t happen to me.

Malls are where relationships go to die. I love Internet shopping.


1 Comment »

  1. lola said,

    sad cuz you should like to do things for your s/o…..not be a complete bitch….

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