December 26, 2007

i survived the holidays!

Posted in miscellany tagged , at 9:47 pm by squishy

First off: RIP Mr. Oscar Peterson. and Ms. Benazir Bhutto.

Sure, tigers can do some damage, but so can microscopic creepy-crawly prokaryotes/viruses.

For a couple of days, I couldn’t get the taste of bile out of my mouth, and for a particularly bad 8-hour period, I had difficulty keeping water down. I consoled myself by shopping online and rewatching episodes of 30 Rock and Pushing Daisies.

This sucker (or this sucker’s gastrointestinal cousin) did me in.

You can thank Giant Microbes for plushifying all sorts of microbes, cells, pests and viruses (including mosquitoes, Ebola, toxic mold and herpes).

Tangent: The heartworm has a heart stitched on, chickenpox has a comb, the bacteria responsible for acne has a pimple, and streptococcus pyogenes (flesh eating disease) is holding flatware. And I kind of want the T4 plushie.

… I really shouldn’t be let out in public.

Tangent II: By now, the Brazilian soccer star name generator has made the rounds on the Internet. Bored squishy would be SQUALDO, but more importantly, thanks to the irreplaceable Joe Posnanski, I’ve learned that Barry Bonds would be BILDO.

“Close. So close” – Posnanski.

Back to the topic at hand: this fucking stomach flu. Damn me for not getting that damn flu shot. I can almost hear my boss sing-songing “I told you soooooooo!”

I will be making up my lost caloric intake this coming weekend. FO SHO.

December 18, 2007

some bad poetry to go along with your holiday shopping.

Posted in miscellany at 10:55 pm by squishy

fail.jpg

Hopefully, others had more forethought than I did, because I kind of suck. Shopping with less than 7 days till Christmas is tantamount to pulling wisdom teeth with a pair of pliers and a butter knife.  WHY DID I WAIT?!?!

Holiday shopping brings out the bad poet in me.

Haiku!

Smug valets whisk by
as I forage for parking.
How I hate you so.

Couplet!

Jessica Simpson attempting a carol
sounds like a bronchitic goat in extreme peril.

Italian sonnet!

… just kidding.

I don’t have the balls to attempt a sonnet. I do, however, remember the rhyme scheme of Italian sonnets without wikipedia-ing it. Ha!

PS: Whenever I read haikus, I have to count the syllables. Not that I don’t believe there are 5-7-5, but I can’t help myself. I count on my fingers, btw. Every time.

December 17, 2007

very drowned-rat like

Posted in miscellany at 3:23 pm by squishy

wetmarm.jpg

I usually shower at night, but I felt particularly groggy this morning, so I decided that a shower would help me de-grog. Of course! The scent of Ivory soap will surely be a welcome pick-me up!

In my haste, I made the mistake of stepping in without checking the water temperature. Silly me.

So there I was, shivering and huddled in the corner, trying to avoid both the water and the tile wall and willing the water to HEAT UP GODDAMMIT I HATE MONDAYS.

The smallest things can make you feel so pathetic.

Otherwise, my last workday-Monday of 2007 is swell. Holidays around the corner! W00t!

PS: There’s absolutely no point to this post. What’s new? I just felt the need to up my pathetic factor by complaining about feeling pathetic.

PPS: Runner-up wet cat photo.  Scored high on pathetic charts, but deemed inappropriate due to creepy eyes.

December 7, 2007

another sign i spend too much time on the internet

Posted in wtf? at 11:18 am by squishy

Have you seen these animated, dancing-person sidebar ads?

jiggy.png

The content seems to vary between graduate schools, mortgages/loans etc., but not the dance movements.  Did you notice that it used to be a man in a trench coat, then a woman in a tight jumpsuit, and then this woman in a dress? It’s the same exact dance, but only with different people in different clothes. Weird.

I think I just outed myself as something, but I’m not quite sure what.

i hope fsn/prime ticket west accepts my insurance

Posted in los dodgers, so much for my anonymity at 7:09 am by squishy

2007 and I have had a contentious relationship. Without going into too much detail, I had a minor breakdown and a slightly less minor career crisis; I realized, almost too late, that the field I had been pursuing for years wasn’t right for me. I had been treading water, and defeatist apathy butted heads with the terror of failure.

But I eventually worked it out. It took a lot of time, introspection and wine, but I know what I want to do. My family and friends helped me get through it, but my real crutch was baseball. I was always a casual sports fan (to the point I was branded a tom boy, or accused of trying to impress boys by watching ESPN. That, however, is another issue), but never followed any particular team or sport with any zeal. Up until this year, I was a part time Dodger fan, largely due to location and family influences. I followed enough to be happy when Fox put the franchise up for sale, perplexed when Frank McCourt bought the team (entirely with debt, I should add), and heartbroken/disgusted when the roster was gutted under DePodesta.

But this year, it became an obsession. At one point in July, I was Rainman, a statistical savant. There were games almost every day, and I think I watched every single home game, live or recorded, as well as the great majority of the away games. In all, I probably watched 6+ innings of 130 out of 162 games. Sick, no?

People complain about the slow pace of baseball, but there’s something soothing about the methodical nature of the sport. And because it is so driven by numbers and statistics, I could bury myself in them. The overwhelming minutiae was enough to temporarily erase any worries I had, and the superstitious ritualism was calming because of its predictability. Routine gets a bad rap for being monotonous and dull, but the stability it brings was exactly what I needed. As a child, there are fewer things more terrifying than a parent who falls out of routine. When I was 7 or so, my mother was sick (probably with a cold or flu), and couldn’t help me get ready for school. Although I couldn’t come close to articulating what I had felt at the time, I remember being petrified at how such a warm and inviting home suddenly seemed sterile and gray.

Ultimately, that’s what I needed. Routine. Isn’t it silly that someone who votes, drinks and pays taxes needs to be soothed like a child? Isn’t it even sillier that routine acts as a therapeutic agent? But as an adult, what worked ten, twenty years ago doesn’t necessarily hold. Surprisingly, baseball managed to do the trick.

And for that, I am grateful. The 2007 season was anything but a success, but you got me through. We both suffered through unnecessary drama, but face a (somewhat) promising future.

May both our 2008’s be equally fruitful.

December 6, 2007

one of the many reasons why i shouldn’t have kids

Posted in sufficiently entertaining at 9:59 am by squishy

… because I would buy these for them, along with a voucher for future therapy sessions.

All apparel: Glarkware

December 5, 2007

why don’t they have more songs about coyotes and polar bears?

Posted in sufficiently entertaining, weekly absolution tagged , at 8:22 am by squishy

From the now-ubiquitous Daily Coyote

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Reading about how Charlie (coyote) is trying to befriend Eli (cat; incumbent receiver of affection) is so adorable, and the photos documenting Charlie’s growth, as well as the surrounding Wyoming wilderness is beyond words. But there’s a sense of sadness throughout, particularly when the proprietor of the blog discusses the very real possibility of Charlie returning to the wild.

Kind of like Thomas Dörflein, the Berlin zookeeper who was Knut’s surrogate polar-mama:

“Many parents have trouble cutting the apron strings when it’s time for their offspring to make their own way in the world. It seems that polar bear Knut’s surrogate “mother” Thomas Dörflein is no exception: He just couldn’t do without a playful wrestle with the young bear he raised on a bottle.

But Dörflein’s ongoing affection for Knut has landed him in hot water. Berlin Zoo director Bernhard Blaszkiewitz has banned the keeper from contact with Knut after seeing photos of Dörflein illicitly tumbling with the bear in the Berlin tabloid newspaper BZ.

Blaszkiewitz was not amused when he saw the photos. “What they show is exactly what I have strictly forbidden Dörflein from doing,” he told the BZ. “The keeper is simply not allowed to roll around with Knut and especially not in public,” he said, adding that the game is too dangerous now that Knut is approaching his first birthday and tipping the scales at 107 kilos (236 pounds).”

Sniffle.

Source/image: Spiegel Online

December 4, 2007

i checked to see if there was a 12-step program for this, but alas

Posted in wtf? tagged at 9:34 am by squishy

I’m going to be traveling this week. I’ll be able to meet old friends I haven’t seen in a few years, some friends I haven’t seen in over a decade. Great, right? I’m psyched. Super psyched.

The downside is that my trek coincides with the baseball Winter Meetings, and the trade market is CRAZY. I feed off rumors like a junkie. I just spent the last hour looking up Apple/AT&T’s return policies on their iPhone/data plan. So, you know, I could use it this week to keep up with trades, then return it. I’m fucking crazy.

Speaking of 12-step programs, there’s one called Families Anonymous. It’s for people with family members coping with drug/alcohol addiction, but ‘Families Anonymous’ makes it sound very Augusten Burroughs-like. There’s also a Workaholics Anonymous group… not that I’m trivializing anyone’s problems…

December 3, 2007

i wasn’t quite prepared for that

Posted in wtf? at 1:17 pm by squishy

Because I am horrible at describing haircuts (“you know, that short haircut that makes any guy look like they have a widow’s peak?”), I image-Googled ‘Caesar cut’ to show my friend. Unsurprisingly, I came across a few busts of Caesar, a few good examples of Caesar cuts, and… then… a naked, hairless beefcake holding his wang. Wha? When did Caesar cut become a dirty word?

In retrospect, I should’ve said that-haircut-George-Clooney-popularized-in-the-90s.

Image: Pizza! Pizza! Now “Little Caesar” is another penile euphemism.  Lovely.

demoralizing news du jour

Posted in miscellany tagged , at 9:40 am by squishy

Young Chimp Beats College Students

Somewhere in this story, there’s a competitive reality show waiting to happen. Some complete MORON, he of double digit neurons, greenlit Cavemen, so you know some producer is salivating over this chimp. This beautiful, beautiful chimp.

sigh

Is your memory better than a young chimp’s? Maybe not. Japanese researchers pitted young chimps against human adults in two tests of short-term memory, and overall, the chimps won.

One memory test included three 5-year-old chimps who’d been taught the order of Arabic numerals 1 through 9, and a dozen human volunteers.

They saw nine numbers displayed on a computer screen. When they touched the first number, the other eight turned into white squares. The test was to touch all these squares in the order of the numbers that used to be there.

Results showed that the chimps, while no more accurate than the people, could do this faster.

Source: ABC News