January 31, 2008

this must qualify as a form of torture

Posted in so much for my anonymity at 10:11 am by squishy

There are fewer things more painful than a bad powerpoint presentation.

So if you absolutely want to slaughter your audience and put them in deep comas, here’s your guide.

– Be monochromatic.
– Graphics are for pussies. Blocks of text >> photos, graphs, charts and animation on the sexy scale.
– Cover a relatively dull topic and go into excessive detail.
– Write long paragraphs (in comic sans, perchance?). Bullet points are your enemy.
– Read, VERBATIM, aforementioned long paragraphs. Assume illiteracy, despite the fact that your audience is composed of Ph.D.s and Ph.D.’s-to-be.
– Exhibit no inflection in your voice whatsoever. Chronic mispronunciation, coupled with a Midwestern accent, also helps.
– If you have a laser pointer, flail it about and circle every other world.

If you need any more tips, I’m sure Stinker the Presentation Slayer can help you out.

Photo: ICHC, a register of every possible human emotion

Advertisements

January 30, 2008

maybe i should get an FSM decal

Posted in asshat!, so much for my anonymity at 12:58 am by squishy

One of my neighbors has a car with, I shit you not, the following shellacked on it:

– 2 ‘support the troops’ yellow ribbons. You know, the magnetic ones.
– 1 cloth flag wedged into the crack of the right passenger window. Think presidential limo flag, only stiffer and crappier.
– 1 peeling US flag bumper sticker. It’s the size of a BOOK (the ‘literary’ $15.99 kind, not of the cheap $5 pocket paperback variety), and actually doesn’t fit entirely on her bumper.
– 1 more US flag bumper sticker of the same size in case the peeling bumper sticker completely peels off. I believe she bought multiple just for this cause.

I’ve tried to take a photo, but I always worry I’ll seem like a terrorist or something. Is it of any consequence that her car is a good, American Ford sedan? Anyway, use your imagination, but believe you me when I say that it’s obnoxious.

What’s the point of excessive displays of patriotism? I’ve seen plenty of cars with the ‘support the troops’ ribbons. Great. But when that’s accompanied by multiple other ‘displays of patriotism,’ all that really says is that you’re ready and willing to 1. one-up any other ‘patriot’ and 2. deface your car with repetitive, cheap stickers that won’t come off cleanly when you need to resell it.

I hate what 9-11 has done. Aside from the thousands dead from the actual bombings, and the thousands dead from the subsequent invasions in the Middle East, people feel as though they are less American if they don’t wear it on their sleeve. Despite living in the US, you are only a true American if you have an outward symbol of it on your person/vehicle.

Patriotism has reached hysterical cultish heights, fueled by an administration where jingoism is not only an accepted but expected foreign policy.

Tangent I: Does Chevy’s “This is our country, this is our truck” commercials bother anyone else? It seems like such an obvious, almost pathetic attempt to appeal to the Amerigasmic, to those who believe buying an import is a form of treason. It’s the automobile equivalent of ham-handed attack ads, a true American revolution powered by a figment of Mitt Romney’s imagination (“of COURSE all those outsourced car factory jobs are coming back to Michigan!”).

Tangent II: Ford flew Toby Keith out to pimp their 2009 F-150 at this year’s Detroit Auto Show. And Jeep has a compact SUV called the Patriot. Yeesh. How we’ve trivialized patriotism.

Untangent: Anyway, cars don’t need flair. And if you have a desire to jazz your car up, at least diversify. People seem to have the unfortunate tendency to display their pet causes, political affiliations, child’s academic achievement or eccentric hobbies on their cars. I have seen Sunday school honor roll stickers (didn’t know Sunday schools had honor rolls, honestly), and a car with license plates reading HIPPOLVR, a hippo-themed license plate holder, and a fat hippo decal in the rear window next to the sun-bleached hippo plushie.

But my neighbor’s car takes the cake. Hands down. She’s a nice, blue-haired old granny, and her dogs sure are cute, but I want to piss on her car sometimes.

January 28, 2008

wordage

Posted in miscellany at 10:48 am by squishy

While I’m working as a cog in the LET’S-CURE-CANCER!!! machine, I think of stupid things.  For example, why are some words are only used in conjunction with other specific words?

abject poverty: poverty is a plight and tragedy, but more often it is abject. And few other things are abject. It’s as if abject and poverty are in an exclusive relationship, and one is a third wheel that doesn’t really know it’s a third wheel.

frivolous lawsuit: many other things in life are frivolous. Immersion blenders. Award shows. Bidets. Almost anything sold on television after 2 a.m. But you only hear of lawsuits being frivolous.

wreak havoc: you never wreak destruction or cause havoc, unless you were my brother 20 years ago, in which case, you are the tornado of evil that transcends words.

perky cheerleaders… or perky boobs, oftentimes perky cheerleaders with perky boobs

On an unrelated note, try going a day without sports or war metaphors. It’s surprisingly difficult (if you are successful and can prove your success, I shall procure a cute baby elephant for you).

January 26, 2008

it’s caturday! art appreciation day!

Posted in miscellany tagged at 12:02 pm by squishy

No cats. But just as much fun.

Photo: ICHC… where else, really?

January 25, 2008

this is another reason why i donate to NPR

Posted in miscellany at 10:15 pm by squishy

You’ve no doubt heard about Heath Ledger’s death. If not, turn on CNN/Fox News/MSNBC or any other highly respected/respectable cable news channel. Not 5 minutes will pass before his name is mentioned, since it’s become a certifiable media-splooge-fest created to fill the void left after Anna Nicole’s death, Britney’s head shaving, and Paris’ jail term (and perhaps the endless soap opera that is Amy Winehouse’s life; if she were a Brooklyn Jew instead of a British Jew, I’m sure Nancy Grace would brandish her trademark indignation all over that shit).

But this is from Anderson Cooper’s 360 blog:

“For the last two nights we have reported on actor Heath Ledger. His shocking death is clearly a story a lot of people are interested in, but tonight we will not be reporting more on it. The truth is there is not really anything new to report.

The full results of the various tests done on Mr. Ledger will not be ready for perhaps a few weeks and there is very little new information. I have no doubt other networks will spend a lot of time tonight discussing his death and the various rumors about what might have caused it, but I am not a fan of speculation, so unless there is something really new to discuss we probably won’t be covering it anymore anytime soon.”

I guess he proves that there’s at least one sane person on television. If only the other cable news twits followed suit.

While I’m wishing, I wish Sean Hannity and Michelle Malkin would lose their voices and the ability to type. Forever.

PS: Star Jones said something very similar (re: Heath Ledger, not extreme dislike/distaste for Mr. Hannity and Mrs. Malkin), but I can’t bring myself to post it.

January 24, 2008

jose canseco: mlb slugger, author, producer, reality tv star, wife beater, fucktard

Posted in asshat! tagged , at 10:32 am by squishy

The last two are redundant, but I was inelegantly trying to make a point.

If what this article purports is true, then Canseco is even more of a colossal douche than I thought he was.

José Canseco, the former major league slugger and admitted steroid user who exposed other players in his 2005 best-selling book “Juiced,” offered to keep Magglio Ordonez, a Detroit Tigers outfielder, “clear” in his next book if the player invested money in a film project Canseco was promoting, according to a person in baseball with knowledge of the situation.

Source: New York Times

ricky-watch continues…

Posted in miscellany tagged , at 12:08 am by squishy

He cried. He stayed. I howled.

lizalde_b.png

Ok, ok, his dress was cute. But he’s still kind of annoying (grumblegrumble).

lizalde_a.png

I realized why his hats look so absurd: they’re only 0.500 – 0.667 times the circumference of his noggin, so they’re just… perched on top of his head. Those hats are meant for chihuahuas, not human beings.

January 23, 2008

my soul! with a new and improved charcoal taste!

Posted in so much for my anonymity at 5:41 pm by squishy

RIP Mr. Heath Ledger.

So! Random story time!

I dated this boy, G, for 3 months. He was cute in a hapless Tobey Maguire meets Mr. Bean sort of way (he didn’t LOOK like Rowan Atkinson, unfortunately), and we enjoyed stupid movies and making fun of Karl Rove, Jessica Simpson and the Lakers. It was a low-key, more of a hanging-out on autopilot type of relationship than a relationship-relationship. We saw each other a few times a week and did absolutely nothing for hours. Which was great, since I wasn’t expecting anything more; I had no delusions that I was going to marry this fellow, and I was in no hurry to clarify our, um, status. Then one afternoon, G decided we needed to have a conversation he sincerely referred to as a “heart-to-heart” while actually motioning towards his own heart.

Let me clarify that I loathe, LOATHE hokey, Chicken Soup for the Clichéd Soul phrases (e.g. “all walks of life.” Sweet Jesus, I hate that). It’s an inexplicable pet peeve, much like my distaste for excessive facial hair.

Tangent: Then again, what pet peeve is explicable? They’re all very irrational if you try and analyze it. Why does the improper use of ‘irony’, or they’re-their-there bother me? It certainly doesn’t affect my person, nor does it impact my daily life in any way, but whenever I hear ‘nuke-ular’ (GAAHHHH!!) or see someone make inappropriate use of air-quotes (Britney on Matt Lauer, anyone?), I have to make a conscious effort to suppress my natural reflex to SMACK the guilty party upside the head. Am I alone? I sure hope not. More heads need to be smacked, post haste.

Untangent: I don’t remember much re: the content of that “heart-to-heart.” I was suffering from a mild PTSD; how could I have been such a poor judge of a person? HEART TO HEART?!?! It was like a very rough, very first draft of a Seinfeld episode, with less quirk but commensurate arbitrariness. I think I blamed some commitment issue/phobia and bailed, but in all honesty, his use of that phrase had a withering effect on my attraction to him (…more cumbersome phrasing goodness! You’re welcome).

I dumped someone for using a cliché. I am horrible, but much like Robert Novak, I embrace my horribleness.

Photo: ICHC, as always

January 18, 2008

he terrifies me more than bushie jr

Posted in miscellany, wtf? tagged at 12:12 am by squishy

And that’s saying quite a bit.

Belief.net posted an interview with Mike Huckabee. It succeeded in making my head burst, and it took me about an hour and a half to find the pieces and reassemble it.

Choice nuggets of mindblowing wisdom:

Is it your goal to bring the Constitution into strict conformity with the Bible? Some people would consider that a kind of dangerous undertaking, particularly given the variety of biblical interpretations.

Well, I don’t think that’s a radical view to say we’re going to affirm marriage. I think the radical view is to say that we’re going to change the definition of marriage so that it can mean two men, two women, a man and three women, a man and a child, a man and animal. Again, once we change the definition, the door is open to change it again. I think the radical position is to make a change in what’s been historic.

Aside from the uncomfortable comparisons between the Bible and the constitution in the interview, what really, truly bothers me off is how homophobic conservatives are so eager to mention homosexuality, BESTIALITY and PEDOFUCKINGPHILIA in the same fucking breath. I’m sure there’s plenty of @#$%#$!ing &@#$!#ed %$@%!s who believe that, but to think this man is running for the US PRESIDENCY is lunacy.

AND HE WON IOWA. May I remind you that this is someone who, among other things, believes the earth is 6,000 years young, and equates abortion to a holocaust and has a concealed carry permit.

Pardon the caps and profanity. This is the, er, edited version.

Photo: ICHC

January 17, 2008

how i wish to deflate your voluminous headwear

Posted in sufficiently entertaining tagged , at 2:54 pm by squishy

More than your excessive, excessive tears, Ricky, I detest your hats. I don’t think I could find such floofy monochromatic monstrosities to buy even if I tried.

To think Chris, Kevin and Kit were eliminated instead of you.

Only Ms. Shortcake is a tough old broad who’d cut you up before she let you see her cry. Don’t let the pink fool you.

Let’s hope he cries again next week, when he FINALLY GETS AUFED.

Photos: Project RunGay

Next page