March 12, 2008

this HAS to happen to other people

Posted in asshat! at 12:10 am by squishy

I am oftentimes under the delusion that if I don’t keep junk food in my house, I won’t eat it because it 1. isn’t tempting me, 2. is not easily accessible or 3. all of the above. I’ll sometimes try to ‘hide’ my car keys so I can’t drive to the nearest In-n-Out at 10:43pm for a cheeseburger with grilled onions and a chocolate shake.

Tangent 1: You’d think trying to hide something from yourself is kind of like trying to drown yourself (i.e. physically impossible), right? Wrong. I have set new records in patheticism. This happens whether or not I intentionally try; I once found barbecue (or is it barbeque? I guess it’s ‘cue. Whatever) tongs under my bathroom sink with the 12-pack of double-ply TP.

Tangent 2: If I’m really desperate, I have the option of walking, which is okay because although I’m often that desperate, I’m nowhere NEAR motivated enough. Consume 1170 calories and then walk 7 miles roundtrip? What a buzzkill. Pass.

Anyway, this sometimes backfires and leads to a very reasonable and graceful “WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?!” crusade the next morning, where you wish you followed through with your midnight vow to buy that stupid key locating remote control you saw an infomercial for. Which will happen tomorrow, but to make matters worse, my plan wasn’t in the general vicinity of, let alone same ORBIT as ‘fruitful.’

Instead of avoiding junk, I ended up eating whatever food I did have: a few fistfuls of cereal, a mushy tomato, two slices of cheddar cheese and the remaining half of an English muffin.

At least with that burger, I’d have some satisfaction in eating it. Now I just feel kind of foolish.



  1. Tina said,

    OMG – are you me? I don’t hide keys but I try to change into “indoor only” clothing so I’ll be too lazy to change clothes to go out. And my driver’s side window doesn’t roll down so I’d have to go inside. Wearing a huge superman t-shirt inside a fast food place is too pathetic, even for me, so it almost always works.

    I also try to never go to the grocery store while hungry because inevitably I’ll buy a bag of baked cheetos, because they’re baked, right? and eat them all if not in a day then in two days. I have vowed to never purchase those again. Ever. In my life. That was like two weeks ago so we’ll see how long it lasts…

    And don’t feel foolish. A mushy tomato has way less calories than a burger.

    Oh and I’m also a sucker for buying frozen vegetables. I can’t tell you how stocked my freezer is with that stuff, which is a direct correlation to how I felt at the grocery store that day. You can open my freezer and chart my moods based solely on the type of frozen veggies I have (asparagus = feeling slightly adventurous, broccoli = my boring, bland moods, peas = suffering from some childhood trauma, revisited, etc., etc., etc.).

  2. squishy said,

    Baked Lays. Ugh. I got dog-sick from eating an entire bag in one sitting. UUGH.

    I neglected to add that I broke off a piece of uncooked spaghetti, just in case it was actually a serviceable snack. It almost was.

  3. Tina said,

    Gross. My roommate used to eat uncooked pasta all. the. time. I never understood. I tried it as well, but it’s pretty much what I imagine eating my sweater would be like.

  4. Baldwinqb said,

    i am gonna show this to my friend, bro

  5. Jodeneew said,

    omg.. good work, bro

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