March 19, 2008

things that terrified me as a child

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 12:02 am by squishy

Boy, I was one neurotic kid.

– The government goons in hazmat suits that came after ET.

– Double dutch. Or more specifically, having to time my jump between those two EVIL plastic jump ropes that looked like red and white penne strung together. I remember getting accidentally smacked in the face, and icing the resulting diagonal red welt across my cheek. I was the designated rope-turner until double dutch wasn’t cool anymore.

– Ronald McDonald.

– The tinny ‘music’ that accompanied Tetris for the original Gameboy. To this day, I don’t understand why (and yet I think people who are scared of the X-Files theme song are serious wusses). I always played on mute.

– Canadian geese. Every few weeks, my mom would take us to the lake to dispose of the accumulated bread crust. I loved trying to feed the runts by flinging out crusts as far as I could. And then one aggressive, greedy motherfucker of a goose chased me for a few feet and bit me for bread. If you’re reading this, I hate you. I hope you’re the one that’s always stuck flying at the vertex of your V formation.

– The talking + tape playing Teddy Ruxpin that my ill-informed aunt got me for Christmas.

– Freckles. My neighbor had me convinced that freckles were merely the poo (of males) or egg deposits (of females, since girls don’t poo) of bugs that slept on your face at night. My mother was not fond of this neighbor. To this day, I sleep on my stomach.



  1. Tina said,

    My friends and I never did the whole double dutch thing. Maybe we were too poor for two jump ropes? We did the single “Cinderella, dressed in yellow” bit but nothing more complicated.

    And I think being freaked out by a duck (um, are geese ducks? is that a dumb question?) that bites you is completely acceptable. Practically required, actually.

    As for the rest… um, you’re weird I guess? Hell, for all I know, you’re completely normal. Maybe everyone thinks freckles are bug shit left over from the night before.

    I can’t remember ever being neurotic as a child (or at least not in a fear-based way), but I’ve more than made up for it as an adult. I still stand by my completely rational fear of cruise ships. They’re going to sink! Especially when they dock in a harbor where the water to mass ratio becomes seriously effed up. They’re going to sink! Or worse yet, you’ll drink more than bug shit in your water and spend the whole vacation exploring the temporary plumbing of a cruise ship.

  2. squishy said,

    I fucking lol-ed at the cruise ship thing. No rolling on the floor, though (that IS what ROFL stands for, right?).

  3. Tina said,

    I think that’s what it stands for but it just seems silly. And I’m totally not joking about cruise ships being death traps. Or make you wish you were dead traps? Not sure.

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