April 30, 2008

some minor confessions

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 10:37 am by squishy

– I have never read Catcher in the Rye. Or Moby Dick. Or anything by Jane Austen. I am not worthy of my (expensive) degree in English.

– When I’m in the bathroom at work, and someone in the next stall is moving her bowels, I look to see what shoes she’s wearing so I can identify her later. The chick with the Skechers is the worst offender thus far.

– Bad spelling/grammar deeply, deeply bothers me. Especially my own.

– The only Star Wars movie I’ve seen is the one with Jar Jar Binks.

– I signed up one of my obnoxious ex-coworkers to all sorts of e-mailing lists (mostly for inappropriate things). I have no regrets whatsoever.

– Poodles are ugly, and the ones with floofed up extremities (paws, tip of tail, you know) and/or dyed ears are an ABOMINATION. KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME.

– I absolutely love the way the British say “buffet.” BOOF-ay. Not like boo with an f, but pronounced almost like “roof” in Canadianese.  I guess I could just say “like beouf.”  Beouf-ay, beouf-ay, beouf-ay.

– I think I’m actually sick of chocolate. This may or may not be because I had 4 Twix bars in one day in an failed attempt to stave off PMS symptoms. This, too, shall pass.

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April 24, 2008

my question is, why the fuck did this cost £14K?

Posted in wtf? at 12:45 pm by squishy

EDIT: PHALLUS IT IS NOT! Perhaps this WAS worth £14K (Thanks, LK).

Meh, I don’t think it looks particularly phallic, but people seem to see penises everywhere.

Excerpts:

It cost £14,000 to create, but clearly no-one at the smart London design outfit that came up with the new logo for HM Treasury thought to turn it on its side.

The logo, for the Office of Government Commerce, was intended to signify a bold commitment to the body’s aim of “improving value for money by driving up standards and capability in procurement.”

horizontal jerk

vertical jerk

Instead, it has generated howls of mirth and what is likely to be a barrage of teasing emails from mandarins in other departments.

According to insiders, the graphic was already proudly etched on mousemats [BS note: mousemats. Heh.] and pens before it was unveiled for employees, who spotted the clanger within seconds.

Staff have apparently now stripped their office of souvenirs bearing the logo, which could appear on eBay within days.

A spokesman for OGC said: “It is true that it caused a few titters among some staff when viewed on its side, but on consideration we concluded that the effect was generic to the particular combination of the letters OGC – and it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend.”

Emphasis mine.

Source: The Telegraph (UK)

April 22, 2008

my stomach is speaking in tongues

Posted in miscellany at 12:38 pm by squishy

I took yesterday off, so today is my Monday. I had spray-cheese for breakfast, and I feel all sexy-barfy.

It’s going to be a long day.

Photo: ICHC

April 18, 2008

things might’ve actually worked in his favor if he were a bit more minoritylicious

Posted in miscellany at 2:08 am by squishy

My first choice for the Democratic presidential nominee (and the 44th president), former North Carolina senator John R. Edwards, was on the Colbert Report last night, guesting for the wørd segment. I heart him a little bit more now.

If only…

At least his hair still looks scrumptious.

EDIT: You can view the clip here.

Photo: ICHC

’twas a monumental display of offensive ineptitude.

Posted in deportes, wtf? at 1:41 am by squishy

Look at this line. It’s fucked up. I never imagined a scenario where I could say that I sat through the last 14 innings of a game.

Colorado 2, San Diego 1

innings: 22
total hits: 25 (25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
total runs scored: 3* (3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
total pitches: 657
most pitches from reliever: 80
total strike outs: 37
total walks: 13
total length of game: 6 hours and 16 godforsaken minutes
number of pitchers used as pinch hitters: 1
number of double plays: 6
number of players on active rosters NOT used: 8** (out of a possible 50)
SD batting average: 0.149
COL batting average: 0.192

*I need to add that one was walked in, one was unearned, and I can’t even remember how the first one was scored.

**Every position player, including the backup backstops were used.

It should be noted that this game was scoreless for 13 innings.

I’m SO glad I’m not a Padres fan. All this for a 1-run loss on an UNEARNED RUN. And they have to travel to Arizona for a game today.

Tina, your boys better whip the Rockies. They have no bullpen to speak of.

April 16, 2008

hand me the lye. i need to wash my eyes out.

Posted in miscellany at 4:07 pm by squishy

You know how one wiki search inevitably leads to a mouse-click marathony time-suck through dozens of seemingly unrelated articles and entries? I recently started off with a search for Charlton Heston (RIP) and ended up with Carrot Top by way of, to name a few, Evanston, IL, Jeremy Piven, Brittany Murphy and King of the Hill.

I say this because I clicked my way to STDs. Whatever you do, don’t look up ‘herpes‘ on Wikipedia. There are close-up photos of genital herpes (female and male bits in their full, blistery glory) and OH MY GOD I WANT TO DIE.

I hope I never, ever, ever, ever see a case of genital herpes in real life. I’m sorry you have it, Paris (and the cadre of men you shtupped). I will try my best to not make fun of Valtrex commercials ever again.

Photo: ICHC

April 13, 2008

imagine what would’ve happened if i were pms-ing

Posted in asshat! at 2:19 pm by squishy

I preface this by saying that it was 97 or so degrees, I needed to run mindless errands, and I had just paid $200+ for my 3rd shot of Gardasil, because the local medical center insists on charging almost $100 for use of their facilities (for a grand total of 4 minutes, unless you add the 30+ minutes I spent waiting. Apparently, I can’t get a simple shot on my butt unless they shuffle a sufficient amount of paper), and because my insurance provider does not believe in covering preventative medicine.

Yesterday, I was in a busy parking lot, where parking is hard to come by. For the blessed few who haven’t suffered through this experience, picture starving sharks playing musical fish, with a shark to fish ratio of approximately 8. Or 800. So imagine my glee when I manage to follow a dude who’s about to leave (fistpump!). I sit patiently with my blinker blinking (this will come into play later), when some fucknut swoops in and steals my spot. I am moderately livid.

I honk long and loud and stop my car directly behind the fucknut’s parked car. He gets out, and I roll down my window. There may have been some yelling, and perhaps some expletives on my part. His lady companion, who had overstyled eyebrows that resembled humpbacked sperm, also gets out. She scampers away, mortified. Unfortunately for her, I was not in a state to be concerned about her mortification.

Fucknuts repeatedly insists he “couldn’t see my blinker” and that he thought “I was just waiting for someone.” I ask him how he manages to drive if he’s “[redacted] blind,” and that “of course I was waiting, for that guy to [redacted] pull out of his spot so I could [redacted] park, you [redacted].”

I demand he pulls out. He sheepishly does. I triumphantly park.

If you only have the huevos to be a jerk in the comfort of your own car, but can’t commit to your jerkdom outside of your two-ton vehicle, don’t steal and/or do stupid shit, you shrimpy fucker.

April 8, 2008

fortunately, i have no horse jokes

Posted in wtf? at 11:14 pm by squishy

Man jailed after punching police horse’s ass.

“Carl Coward was charged with battery of a law enforcement animal and is being held at the Orient Road Jail on $500 bond, jail records show.

“The report does not indicate whether the horse suffered any serious injury.”

If only if it were a donkey! So close.

Source: Tampa Bay Online
Photo: ICHC

April 5, 2008

it’s my capitalistic, consumeristic, american duty

Posted in miscellany at 11:28 am by squishy

I will be receiving my stimulus payment from the IRS on May 9 (check link for payment schedule; it’s based on the last 2 digits of your SSN). My Amazon cart will be cleared out soon afterwards. Yay!

I’m doing my part to stimulate our constipated economy, and you should, too.

PS: Redundant title? Perhaps, but that just shows how PSYCHED I am about my free $600.  W00tness.

April 4, 2008

one of many lists of shame, i’m sure

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 12:02 am by squishy

People, for one inexplicable reason or another, I find attractive. This list does not include the likes of Christian Bale, David Wright, half of the Ocean’s Eleven cast, all of the Friday Night Lights (TV) cast, Jake Gyllenhaal, LaDainian Tomlinson, Michael C. Hall, Paul Rudd, Jason Bateman, et. al., because humiliating lists are significantly more entertaining than regular lists.

May be expanded without further notice.

Dann Florek, a.k.a Captain Don Cragen from L&O

John Oliver, Daily Show Senior British Correspondent

Lou Piniella, manager of the Chicago Cubs

HRG, of HRG fame

Rowan Atkinson, a.k.a. Mr. Bean. But not because he plays Mr. Bean, but because of the masterpiece that is Blackadder

Scott Van Pelt, ESPN SportsCenter anchor

Jack Donaghy, blowhard from 30 Rock

Kevin Smith, a.k.a. Silent Bob

Ron White, puffy lush of a comedian

– borderline candidates: Hugh Laurie, Greg Kinnear, Richard Schiff, Martin Sheen, John Spencer (plus Dulé Hill, while we’re on West Wing alums, but he ain’t borderline)

The only common characteristics I see: glasses, skinny, jowls, short hair, old, no hair, older, hapless, rotund, borderline assholes and/or bears an unfortunate resemblance to Beaker.

PS: Boy, am I glad this POS is anonymous.

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