April 13, 2008

imagine what would’ve happened if i were pms-ing

Posted in asshat! at 2:19 pm by squishy

I preface this by saying that it was 97 or so degrees, I needed to run mindless errands, and I had just paid $200+ for my 3rd shot of Gardasil, because the local medical center insists on charging almost $100 for use of their facilities (for a grand total of 4 minutes, unless you add the 30+ minutes I spent waiting. Apparently, I can’t get a simple shot on my butt unless they shuffle a sufficient amount of paper), and because my insurance provider does not believe in covering preventative medicine.

Yesterday, I was in a busy parking lot, where parking is hard to come by. For the blessed few who haven’t suffered through this experience, picture starving sharks playing musical fish, with a shark to fish ratio of approximately 8. Or 800. So imagine my glee when I manage to follow a dude who’s about to leave (fistpump!). I sit patiently with my blinker blinking (this will come into play later), when some fucknut swoops in and steals my spot. I am moderately livid.

I honk long and loud and stop my car directly behind the fucknut’s parked car. He gets out, and I roll down my window. There may have been some yelling, and perhaps some expletives on my part. His lady companion, who had overstyled eyebrows that resembled humpbacked sperm, also gets out. She scampers away, mortified. Unfortunately for her, I was not in a state to be concerned about her mortification.

Fucknuts repeatedly insists he “couldn’t see my blinker” and that he thought “I was just waiting for someone.” I ask him how he manages to drive if he’s “[redacted] blind,” and that “of course I was waiting, for that guy to [redacted] pull out of his spot so I could [redacted] park, you [redacted].”

I demand he pulls out. He sheepishly does. I triumphantly park.

If you only have the huevos to be a jerk in the comfort of your own car, but can’t commit to your jerkdom outside of your two-ton vehicle, don’t steal and/or do stupid shit, you shrimpy fucker.



  1. Tina said,

    OMFG!! That’s hilarious. I’m officially worshipping you today. I’ve had a similar experience only I didn’t have the balls to pull up behind the chick and roll down my window (mainly because my crappy window doesn’t roll down). But I did honk annoyingly, park somewhere else quickly, and stalk up to her car. Unfortunately I was too slow. By the time I’d made my way to her vehicle, she saw me and took off. I was victorious in a way but it was especially annoying to have to walk to 5,000 miles back to my car when that prime spot stood empty. I guess she was the ultimate winner after all. Damn her.

    97 degrees? Wow. I’m sooo not jealous. We hit the 90s here this weekend (I think) and I’m dreading summer.

  2. squishy said,

    It’s 67 degrees today. A 30 degree drop over 24 hours is kind of frightening.

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