May 29, 2008

wherein i shat my pants and run away screaming

Posted in so much for my anonymity at 10:18 am by squishy

I’m going on the assumption that everyone in the world has seen the Brendan Frasier character vehicle of a movie known as “The Mummy.” If you get TNT, I don’t know how you COULDN’T have seen it.

So you must remember, among other things: Rachel Weisz’s heaving bosom, lots of sand, and scarabs (those big black bugs).

I work on the fourth floor, and I usually take the elevator up and the stairs down. For safety precautions, the staircase is outside (newer science buildings have an indoor but segregated staircase, but this building, she is old). People take smoke breaks out there, and every now and then, a blackbird or four will hang out and incessantly caw like gossip queens.

Yesterday, I was going out for lunch when I found about 15 of these hugeass scaraby beetley bugs crawling around the exit. They were the size of walnuts. If I had the guts to step on one, it would’ve sounded like I had punched a bag of Doritos.

They were gross, and they crawled around pretty durn fast, but I figured psh, I could outrun a fucking bug. Little did I realize THEY COULD FLY. ONE FLEW INTO MY HAIR. IT GOT STUCK IN MY HAIR.

Good thing I wasn’t wearing a thong.


May 27, 2008

tuesday mishmash

Posted in miscellany at 1:15 pm by squishy

The second best part about long weekends? Means the next weekend is one less day away.

I. From my trek to Yankee Stadium:

the fans aren\'t as bad as advertised

The Yanks were playing Cleveland, and avoided getting swept that day. My god, they love their Derek Jeter. The degree of manlove is staggering. I debated wearing my LAD cap, but I never feel right wearing a cap of a team that isn’t playing at that stadium. Saw a few NY Giants caps, as well as a guy wearing a t-shirt that said (I’m paraphrasing): “16-1! PERFECT NO MORE.”

Click for the hugeass pic. I just got a new camera that I love but have yet to master.

II. I am surmising from the response to my last post that I just haven’t met a thong I’ve liked. There might be another explanation, though. I just bought undies for girls (don’t ask), and they fit PERFECTLY. Does that mean I have a girl’s ass (i.e. nonexistant)? Probably. I HAVE NO ASS. Woe is me.

I’m guessing I’d fare better with girls’ thongs, but the thought of thongs for girls, let alone the thought of me purchasing girl thongs, is mildly troubling. Praise the gods for internet shopping.

III. Speaking of manlove, an open display of homoeroticism:

In all fairness, I should say they won in extra innings. The held-up dude is the guy that got the walkoff RBI single. The pained yet ecstatic look on the holder-upper is priceless.

IV. The Indiana Jones theme song gives me goosebumps. I absolutely loved the original trilogy. It’s amazing how rose-colored my childhood glasses are. I’m sure if I saw Temple of Doom for the first time as an adult, I would’ve scoffed through all 118 minutes of it.

V. Not that I find Shia LaBeouf particularly attractive, but soon, the people I DO find attractive will be younger than I am. Sniff.

Photo: yours truly, AP/Kevork Djansezian

PS: Someone perv will google ‘girl thong’ and end up here.  Great.

May 22, 2008

ding! recharge complete!

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 10:45 am by squishy

Excerpted from the tome, “Things I don’t like”:

– the smell of cut grass. Aside from the obvious offenders (sulfur, pungent BO, dung etc.), this odor is the most effective in forcing me to mouth-breathe. Back in the 90s when Gap was coming out with their line of perfume, I semi-yakked when I had a whiff of their Grass EDP.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

– thongs. They are uncomfortable and inherently unhygienic. There’s a small changing room/nook in our public bathroom, and I found a WORN THONG in there. Like, OBVIOUSLY WORN.

Boyshorts, please.

– people who refer to flip flops as thongs.

May 20, 2008

it was ugly, but i ain’t picky

Posted in los dodgers at 10:36 am by squishy

mob the field!

PS: A great writeup on Jon Lester’s no-hitter. I was watching Monday Night Baseball (HOU at CHI; sorry Tina), just killing time until this game started, but despite it being a relatively close game, ESPN cut to the last inning at Fenway.

I have never seen a no-hitter in progress. It was unbelievable.

Photo: Dodgers/Jon SooHoo

May 19, 2008

thoughts whilst watching the NBA playoffs

Posted in miscellany at 11:20 am by squishy

– I adore Chris Paul. Seriously adore. He looks like a little person on the court, and yet wikipedia tells me he’s 6 feet tall. Basketball players are aberrations of nature.

– From the neck up (i.e. minus a foot and a half), Tim Duncan is a doppelgänger for my ex. Come to think of it, I haven’t ever dated anyone that was significantly taller than myself.

Chauncey Billups looks like the model H. R. Geiger used to design a character for a popular science fiction movie.

– Well-paid athletes should consult someone before going ahead with some of their ill-advised tattoos.

– I enjoy watching basketball more than I used to.

– I’d still rather watch baseball.

May 15, 2008

cynicism still recharging…

Posted in miscellany at 4:37 pm by squishy

Snippet for today. Quoted from Joe Posnanski’s blog:

“I’ve long thought that there are two kinds of people in this world: There are people who go to eat on vacation. And there are people who go on vacation to eat. I am very much the second guy.”

Hey, me too!

Tangent: I’m not a huge fan of beaches or unbearably hot, humid weather. The potential for sand in my netherbits is pretty antithetical to my idea of a vacation. I just want to indulge in as many of the seven sins as I would like to… without feeling guilty. It’s a shame I have a congenital guilt disorder. I blame my mother.

Ho hum.

May 14, 2008

the bs has returned

Posted in so much for my anonymity at 9:53 am by squishy

I had too much fun hanging out with great friends from college and high school to be a cynical asshat. I therefore must allow the cynicism levels to reach a sufficient threshold before I post anything of much value.

I also gave notice (July 31st) today. My boss thought I was going to quit earlier, so he’s actually somewhat ecstatic that he can wring the last few drops of productivity out of me for the next 2+ months.

On a related note, I have 221.32 hours of sick time I can’t bring myself to use because I would feel too guilty.

May 5, 2008

only this time, it’s a SCHEDULED hiatus

Posted in so much for my anonymity at 11:27 pm by squishy


This trip will include flights with stopovers in Atlanta and Cincinnati. Did I mention that I love stopovers? (This is assuming that I am traveling alone and only have one flight change. Every opinion I have has stipulations, footnotes, and/or signing statements). I had to fly a lot when I was in college, because home = SoCal and school = New England. The worst trip can be outlined as such: the only bus I could take got me to Boston Logan Airport at 1am for a 5am flight… and then I had a 3 hour layover, plus an extra 1 hr snow delay in Minnesota. Luckily, that that wasn’t the trip in which my baggage was lost for 4 days.

For the most part, though, I genuinely enjoy wandering around airports, reading books/magazines, munching on saturated fat+complex carbohydrates and eavesdropping. I love eavesdropping. I try to plan my flights around layovers so I can kill an hour or so in Chicago (not Midway), Atlanta, or Minneapolis. But it’s only this enjoyable because I look forward to my destinations on both ends.

After all, a vacation is only a vacation if you have something/one to come home to.

So let out a “FUCK YES!” and a fistpump if you hear about a LAD win and/or an Arizona loss. I sadly won’t be able to watch most of the games for a week, although I will be visiting the decrepit yet geezer-charming Yankee Stadium before it gets torn down (I mean honestly, would people be so high on that ballpark if they didn’t know a new one was on its way?).


Photo: ICHC

May 2, 2008

i guess this isn’t any stupider than naming your son kal-el

Posted in miscellany at 11:52 pm by squishy

It seems to be trendy to name your kid after a state (or a city or a borough or a township or congressional district). I don’t know how I’d react if a kid introduced herself as Wisconsin. Or Wysconsin. Or even worse, Ouisconsynn.

I’ll stop now.

i haven’t mentioned anything lest i jinx these fickle folk, but

Posted in los dodgers at 11:21 pm by squishy


I know regular season baseball is so very unsexy compared to the NBA and NHL playoffs, that fancy equine racing event, and the (oh god) NFL amateur draft, but at this point, I am one of the happiest campers you can find.  Off the charts happy, since I’m going on vacation next Tuesday.

I can’t find any wood to knock on (I don’t think Ikea faux-wood counts). Pardon me while I find a small forest.

Photo: AP/David Zalubowski