June 27, 2008

with all the grace and poise of a blind, three legged giraffe in heat

Posted in asshat! at 12:19 am by squishy

While walking* to the parking lot, I managed to trip over a phantom obstacle, try to regain my balance, fail by jamming my kneecap into a parked Jetta and set off the burglary alarm. I tried to hobble away as fast as I could but it hurt too much to be self-conscious of the witnesses. I have no choice but to hunt each and every one down and kill them.

My knee is all purple and sexy (J. Crew would call it “heather aubergine”). Once the swelling subsided, I swear I could feel the dent in the bone. I look like I’ve been attacked by a usurer and/or his** goons.

* I am well aware that I am being incredibly generous with my choice of verbs. Leave me be with my delusions.

** Are female usurers called usuresses? I’m not getting the Red Underline of Spellcheck (the lesser known sibling of the Blue Screen of Death), so I think they are. Let me know if you ever meet one.



  1. Anonymous said,

    i fucking love you headlines. marry me

  2. Tina said,

    Ah, the fear of the ungraceful fall and the passers-by who might witness it. I actually just shoulder checked myself yesterday morning into a huge corner/wall (it was the protruding corner of a wall) and the only thing that kept me from howling and crying like a toddler was the co-worker with his back to me who hadn’t seen the spectacle at all. As soon as I was out of ear range I let out a string of curse words that would have made the late, great George Carlin blush. And yes, the pain is still there, a day later.

    I feel for your heather aubergine knee. Too bad you didn’t get it scoring the winning goal in a soccer game or some such physical activity (other than pile driving a car). That would be cool.

    And I give you my authoritative word that usuresses is correct. Take it for what it’s worth.

  3. squishy said,

    Anon: Are you rich? Are you hot?

    Tina: You must be a (a? an? fuck) usuress. Sounds like a garment, though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: