September 3, 2008

i might not make it ’till november

Posted in asshat! at 3:11 pm by squishy

I just saw an Obama attack ad that plays up Palin’s experience over Obama (“She’s had EXPERIENCE.  Obama’s just a buncho empty words”).  For reals.  And I heard a Republican stumping for Palin, saying that she’s qualified because she was the governor of the largest US state (“It’s so vast! And big! Obama was just a senator from Illinois”).

Just for your edification, Alaska is the 3rd least populous state.  More people live in Delaware, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, and Maine (each) than in Alaska.  It does, however, have 60,000 more inhabitants than Vermont.  Good on you.

PS: Cindy McCain on Palin’s experience with foreign policy… “Remember: Alaska is the closest part of our continent to Russia. So, it’s not as if she doesn’t understand what’s at stake here.”

PPS: Actually, I might make it ’till November if there are more gems like these.  Peggy Noonan + Mike Murphy blab off camera on a hot mike.  lol. “It’s over!”

PPPS: Sarah Palin’s Most Import Speech Evar™ post mortem… Nate Silver from FiveThirtyEight says it better than I could: “Not a strikeout. Not a home run. I don’t know. A double, and the runner got thrown out trying to stretch it into a triple?”  Empty calories, methinks.  I’m just glad she didn’t try to sell herself as a tortured-distressed-damsel-martyr-something.

The first 2/3 or so was good, especially considering what my expectations were, but she started getting shrill, obnoxious and strangely boring towards the end.  Staunch Republicans would love it and would appeal to some moderates, but I can’t imagine a lot of independents getting particularly psyched.  It takes huevos to attack someone’s experience when you really don’t have much; I would’ve imagined that someone OTHER than Palin would’ve brought that shit up.  Pot, meet kettle.

The DNC must be getting tired with Biden straining at the leash.  Just let him go for it.

August 27, 2008

despite my flawless feedback (which i’m mighty proud of), i might have to open a new account

Posted in asshat!, miscellany at 12:12 am by squishy

It turns out that I’m a much more prolific time-wasting nutbag of a compulsive typer* when I have a real job**.

So, main topic.  Someone I went on one date with found out what my eBay user name is.  I don’t know how or why, but he found out, and looked up the shit I bought in the past month or so (or however long it is before eBay stops linking to your past purchases).  Unfortunately, I recently won a few bra auctions since all my old bras are the wrong fucking size, so he could see what kind/size of undergarments I got.  He was classy enough to mention this in one of the creepiest e-mails ever.

As you can surmise, there was an excellent reason why there wasn’t a second date.  I’m only embarrassed I acquiesced to go on that first date at all.

Sigh.

I also want to mention that ever since getting a new iMac, I have been crashing it twice a week.  Clockwork.  I think I’ve cross-contaminated it with my disease-addled PCs.  A lot of things I touch turn to shite.

* I’m trying my best not to refer myself as one who blogs, let alone a blogger.  I still can’t explain my aversion to that word; then again, very few of my aversions are explainable.  Or rational, for that matter.

** Although I did start a small business with my pop, which is GNAWING AWAY AT THE FIBER OF MY BEING to the point that said small business would have no regularity problems in the off chance it had a gastrointestinal tract.  Graduate school will feel like a vacation in comparison.

Photo: long time no ICHC

July 17, 2008

a tool for tools, is it not? i fucking hate axe commercials, btw.

Posted in asshat! at 6:45 pm by squishy

But I REALLY hate the fact that the commercials are effective, and warrant a never-ending series of them, as well as ripoffs by Old Spice etc.

Compare, contrast*, and then perhaps compare again.

Razz Gentle Net Sponge: $1.50

AXE Detailer Shower Tool**: $4.99

For 333% the price, you can feel manly about buying a glorified sponge + Brillo pad that doesn’t have ‘sponge’ in its name. ‘Tis the price one pays to not feel emasculated. I’m surprised there isn’t a camouflage version for the extra insecure.

Photos: Drugstore.com

* Why not contrast and compare?  Did the first person who used that phrase insist on alphabetizing the order of the words?

** I still can’t get over it.  Shower tool. lol. That’s fucked up. Black+red = so ruggedly masculine; they should rename the ladybug and call it a testosterbeetle.

July 3, 2008

i didn’t even know what pantaloons were until i googled them

Posted in asshat! at 12:16 am by squishy

\'loons.

People get songs stuck in their heads.  I get words stuck in mine.  For a while it was ‘buffet,’ then ‘smorgasbord.’  For the past couple of days, it’s been ‘pantaloons.’  Do not ask why, for I have no clue.*

PANTALOONS! PANTALOONS! PANTALOONS!

I hope this gets it out of my system.  I might have to resort to yelling PANTALOONS! aloud.

Photo: Cute Overload (it’s been a while)

* I should macro this phrase; I have a feeling I’ll be using it quite frequently.  DNAW,FIHNC.  Such a simple, obvious acronym.

June 27, 2008

with all the grace and poise of a blind, three legged giraffe in heat

Posted in asshat! at 12:19 am by squishy

While walking* to the parking lot, I managed to trip over a phantom obstacle, try to regain my balance, fail by jamming my kneecap into a parked Jetta and set off the burglary alarm. I tried to hobble away as fast as I could but it hurt too much to be self-conscious of the witnesses. I have no choice but to hunt each and every one down and kill them.

My knee is all purple and sexy (J. Crew would call it “heather aubergine”). Once the swelling subsided, I swear I could feel the dent in the bone. I look like I’ve been attacked by a usurer and/or his** goons.

* I am well aware that I am being incredibly generous with my choice of verbs. Leave me be with my delusions.

** Are female usurers called usuresses? I’m not getting the Red Underline of Spellcheck (the lesser known sibling of the Blue Screen of Death), so I think they are. Let me know if you ever meet one.

April 13, 2008

imagine what would’ve happened if i were pms-ing

Posted in asshat! at 2:19 pm by squishy

I preface this by saying that it was 97 or so degrees, I needed to run mindless errands, and I had just paid $200+ for my 3rd shot of Gardasil, because the local medical center insists on charging almost $100 for use of their facilities (for a grand total of 4 minutes, unless you add the 30+ minutes I spent waiting. Apparently, I can’t get a simple shot on my butt unless they shuffle a sufficient amount of paper), and because my insurance provider does not believe in covering preventative medicine.

Yesterday, I was in a busy parking lot, where parking is hard to come by. For the blessed few who haven’t suffered through this experience, picture starving sharks playing musical fish, with a shark to fish ratio of approximately 8. Or 800. So imagine my glee when I manage to follow a dude who’s about to leave (fistpump!). I sit patiently with my blinker blinking (this will come into play later), when some fucknut swoops in and steals my spot. I am moderately livid.

I honk long and loud and stop my car directly behind the fucknut’s parked car. He gets out, and I roll down my window. There may have been some yelling, and perhaps some expletives on my part. His lady companion, who had overstyled eyebrows that resembled humpbacked sperm, also gets out. She scampers away, mortified. Unfortunately for her, I was not in a state to be concerned about her mortification.

Fucknuts repeatedly insists he “couldn’t see my blinker” and that he thought “I was just waiting for someone.” I ask him how he manages to drive if he’s “[redacted] blind,” and that “of course I was waiting, for that guy to [redacted] pull out of his spot so I could [redacted] park, you [redacted].”

I demand he pulls out. He sheepishly does. I triumphantly park.

If you only have the huevos to be a jerk in the comfort of your own car, but can’t commit to your jerkdom outside of your two-ton vehicle, don’t steal and/or do stupid shit, you shrimpy fucker.

March 12, 2008

this HAS to happen to other people

Posted in asshat! at 12:10 am by squishy

I am oftentimes under the delusion that if I don’t keep junk food in my house, I won’t eat it because it 1. isn’t tempting me, 2. is not easily accessible or 3. all of the above. I’ll sometimes try to ‘hide’ my car keys so I can’t drive to the nearest In-n-Out at 10:43pm for a cheeseburger with grilled onions and a chocolate shake.

Tangent 1: You’d think trying to hide something from yourself is kind of like trying to drown yourself (i.e. physically impossible), right? Wrong. I have set new records in patheticism. This happens whether or not I intentionally try; I once found barbecue (or is it barbeque? I guess it’s ‘cue. Whatever) tongs under my bathroom sink with the 12-pack of double-ply TP.

Tangent 2: If I’m really desperate, I have the option of walking, which is okay because although I’m often that desperate, I’m nowhere NEAR motivated enough. Consume 1170 calories and then walk 7 miles roundtrip? What a buzzkill. Pass.

Anyway, this sometimes backfires and leads to a very reasonable and graceful “WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?!” crusade the next morning, where you wish you followed through with your midnight vow to buy that stupid key locating remote control you saw an infomercial for. Which will happen tomorrow, but to make matters worse, my plan wasn’t in the general vicinity of, let alone same ORBIT as ‘fruitful.’

Instead of avoiding junk, I ended up eating whatever food I did have: a few fistfuls of cereal, a mushy tomato, two slices of cheddar cheese and the remaining half of an English muffin.

At least with that burger, I’d have some satisfaction in eating it. Now I just feel kind of foolish.

March 1, 2008

feel-good mugshots

Posted in asshat! at 11:37 am by squishy

Click to zoom; no other words necessary.

Source: The Smoking Gun et ICHC

January 30, 2008

maybe i should get an FSM decal

Posted in asshat!, so much for my anonymity at 12:58 am by squishy

One of my neighbors has a car with, I shit you not, the following shellacked on it:

– 2 ‘support the troops’ yellow ribbons. You know, the magnetic ones.
– 1 cloth flag wedged into the crack of the right passenger window. Think presidential limo flag, only stiffer and crappier.
– 1 peeling US flag bumper sticker. It’s the size of a BOOK (the ‘literary’ $15.99 kind, not of the cheap $5 pocket paperback variety), and actually doesn’t fit entirely on her bumper.
– 1 more US flag bumper sticker of the same size in case the peeling bumper sticker completely peels off. I believe she bought multiple just for this cause.

I’ve tried to take a photo, but I always worry I’ll seem like a terrorist or something. Is it of any consequence that her car is a good, American Ford sedan? Anyway, use your imagination, but believe you me when I say that it’s obnoxious.

What’s the point of excessive displays of patriotism? I’ve seen plenty of cars with the ‘support the troops’ ribbons. Great. But when that’s accompanied by multiple other ‘displays of patriotism,’ all that really says is that you’re ready and willing to 1. one-up any other ‘patriot’ and 2. deface your car with repetitive, cheap stickers that won’t come off cleanly when you need to resell it.

I hate what 9-11 has done. Aside from the thousands dead from the actual bombings, and the thousands dead from the subsequent invasions in the Middle East, people feel as though they are less American if they don’t wear it on their sleeve. Despite living in the US, you are only a true American if you have an outward symbol of it on your person/vehicle.

Patriotism has reached hysterical cultish heights, fueled by an administration where jingoism is not only an accepted but expected foreign policy.

Tangent I: Does Chevy’s “This is our country, this is our truck” commercials bother anyone else? It seems like such an obvious, almost pathetic attempt to appeal to the Amerigasmic, to those who believe buying an import is a form of treason. It’s the automobile equivalent of ham-handed attack ads, a true American revolution powered by a figment of Mitt Romney’s imagination (“of COURSE all those outsourced car factory jobs are coming back to Michigan!”).

Tangent II: Ford flew Toby Keith out to pimp their 2009 F-150 at this year’s Detroit Auto Show. And Jeep has a compact SUV called the Patriot. Yeesh. How we’ve trivialized patriotism.

Untangent: Anyway, cars don’t need flair. And if you have a desire to jazz your car up, at least diversify. People seem to have the unfortunate tendency to display their pet causes, political affiliations, child’s academic achievement or eccentric hobbies on their cars. I have seen Sunday school honor roll stickers (didn’t know Sunday schools had honor rolls, honestly), and a car with license plates reading HIPPOLVR, a hippo-themed license plate holder, and a fat hippo decal in the rear window next to the sun-bleached hippo plushie.

But my neighbor’s car takes the cake. Hands down. She’s a nice, blue-haired old granny, and her dogs sure are cute, but I want to piss on her car sometimes.

January 24, 2008

jose canseco: mlb slugger, author, producer, reality tv star, wife beater, fucktard

Posted in asshat! tagged , at 10:32 am by squishy

The last two are redundant, but I was inelegantly trying to make a point.

If what this article purports is true, then Canseco is even more of a colossal douche than I thought he was.

José Canseco, the former major league slugger and admitted steroid user who exposed other players in his 2005 best-selling book “Juiced,” offered to keep Magglio Ordonez, a Detroit Tigers outfielder, “clear” in his next book if the player invested money in a film project Canseco was promoting, according to a person in baseball with knowledge of the situation.

Source: New York Times

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