May 22, 2008

ding! recharge complete!

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 10:45 am by squishy

Excerpted from the tome, “Things I don’t like”:

– the smell of cut grass. Aside from the obvious offenders (sulfur, pungent BO, dung etc.), this odor is the most effective in forcing me to mouth-breathe. Back in the 90s when Gap was coming out with their line of perfume, I semi-yakked when I had a whiff of their Grass EDP.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

– thongs. They are uncomfortable and inherently unhygienic. There’s a small changing room/nook in our public bathroom, and I found a WORN THONG in there. Like, OBVIOUSLY WORN.

Boyshorts, please.

– people who refer to flip flops as thongs.

April 30, 2008

some minor confessions

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 10:37 am by squishy

– I have never read Catcher in the Rye. Or Moby Dick. Or anything by Jane Austen. I am not worthy of my (expensive) degree in English.

– When I’m in the bathroom at work, and someone in the next stall is moving her bowels, I look to see what shoes she’s wearing so I can identify her later. The chick with the Skechers is the worst offender thus far.

– Bad spelling/grammar deeply, deeply bothers me. Especially my own.

– The only Star Wars movie I’ve seen is the one with Jar Jar Binks.

– I signed up one of my obnoxious ex-coworkers to all sorts of e-mailing lists (mostly for inappropriate things). I have no regrets whatsoever.

– Poodles are ugly, and the ones with floofed up extremities (paws, tip of tail, you know) and/or dyed ears are an ABOMINATION. KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME.

– I absolutely love the way the British say “buffet.” BOOF-ay. Not like boo with an f, but pronounced almost like “roof” in Canadianese.  I guess I could just say “like beouf.”  Beouf-ay, beouf-ay, beouf-ay.

– I think I’m actually sick of chocolate. This may or may not be because I had 4 Twix bars in one day in an failed attempt to stave off PMS symptoms. This, too, shall pass.

April 4, 2008

one of many lists of shame, i’m sure

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 12:02 am by squishy

People, for one inexplicable reason or another, I find attractive. This list does not include the likes of Christian Bale, David Wright, half of the Ocean’s Eleven cast, all of the Friday Night Lights (TV) cast, Jake Gyllenhaal, LaDainian Tomlinson, Michael C. Hall, Paul Rudd, Jason Bateman, et. al., because humiliating lists are significantly more entertaining than regular lists.

May be expanded without further notice.

Dann Florek, a.k.a Captain Don Cragen from L&O

John Oliver, Daily Show Senior British Correspondent

Lou Piniella, manager of the Chicago Cubs

HRG, of HRG fame

Rowan Atkinson, a.k.a. Mr. Bean. But not because he plays Mr. Bean, but because of the masterpiece that is Blackadder

Scott Van Pelt, ESPN SportsCenter anchor

Jack Donaghy, blowhard from 30 Rock

Kevin Smith, a.k.a. Silent Bob

Ron White, puffy lush of a comedian

– borderline candidates: Hugh Laurie, Greg Kinnear, Richard Schiff, Martin Sheen, John Spencer (plus Dulé Hill, while we’re on West Wing alums, but he ain’t borderline)

The only common characteristics I see: glasses, skinny, jowls, short hair, old, no hair, older, hapless, rotund, borderline assholes and/or bears an unfortunate resemblance to Beaker.

PS: Boy, am I glad this POS is anonymous.

March 30, 2008

that’s one thing i can check off my list of things i never thought i’d see

Posted in compulsive listmaking, wtf? at 12:18 am by squishy

I saw a testicular camel toe in the wild today.

That is all.

March 23, 2008

sunday chore list

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 8:39 pm by squishy

RIP Jason Rae. Hope his wife Corinne Bailey Rae is holding up despite the circumstances.

– try to ignore NCAA basketball
– watch Pierre play his way out of a starting LF/RF job
– bite bullet and get gas for my car so I don’t crap out somewhere on the 405
– swing by Target for shampoo, paper towels and cereal
– do laundry (colors, if it comes down to triaging)
– empty up space on my hard drives (yes, I have multiple)
– look up prices on 1 TB hard drives
– swelter, swelter, swelter

What else can you do on an 85+ degree Sunday afternoon? In MARCH?

Summer, along with muggers, bogey monsters, and usurers, is lurking around the corner. I wouldn’t mind it in the LEAST if it got lost on its way here.

Source: TMZ
Photo: ICHC (it’s been a while.)

March 19, 2008

things that terrified me as a child

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 12:02 am by squishy

Boy, I was one neurotic kid.

– The government goons in hazmat suits that came after ET.

– Double dutch. Or more specifically, having to time my jump between those two EVIL plastic jump ropes that looked like red and white penne strung together. I remember getting accidentally smacked in the face, and icing the resulting diagonal red welt across my cheek. I was the designated rope-turner until double dutch wasn’t cool anymore.

– Ronald McDonald.

– The tinny ‘music’ that accompanied Tetris for the original Gameboy. To this day, I don’t understand why (and yet I think people who are scared of the X-Files theme song are serious wusses). I always played on mute.

– Canadian geese. Every few weeks, my mom would take us to the lake to dispose of the accumulated bread crust. I loved trying to feed the runts by flinging out crusts as far as I could. And then one aggressive, greedy motherfucker of a goose chased me for a few feet and bit me for bread. If you’re reading this, I hate you. I hope you’re the one that’s always stuck flying at the vertex of your V formation.

– The talking + tape playing Teddy Ruxpin that my ill-informed aunt got me for Christmas.

– Freckles. My neighbor had me convinced that freckles were merely the poo (of males) or egg deposits (of females, since girls don’t poo) of bugs that slept on your face at night. My mother was not fond of this neighbor. To this day, I sleep on my stomach.

February 14, 2008

bored muppet doesn’t have the same ring to it

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 11:56 pm by squishy

Screen names/IDs I have previously contemplated in various states of consciousness that could actually double as believable indie band names:

– Gouda Buddha
– Oxymaroon
– Chronic Discombobulation
– Non-sequiblerg
– Makeshift Muppet

Or anything with ‘muppet’ in it, for that matter. Sticking ‘muppet’ in any phrase makes it instantly funny (and potentially creepy). Like muppetesque, jumbo muppet, Muppet Antoinette, the lost muppeteer, or muppet jerky. Muppet, muppet, muppet. It’s just a fun word to say out loud.

Then again, like many, many things, it could just be me.

PS: THERE IS NO ‘A’ IN DEFINITELY AND NO ‘E’ IN RIDICULOUS.

February 11, 2008

strange monday cravings

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 12:01 pm by squishy

Crazy news of the day: Richard Zednik of the Florida Panthers (NHL), had his carotid artery severed by his own teammate, but is in STABLE CONDITION! Amazing. Thanks to the lack of dilly-dallying, Mr. Zednik will be relatively okay.

Anyhoo…

Aside from the usual things (Twix bars, an assortment of cheese, my tax refund NOW, Dick Cheney’s heart on a stake, an extra 50 points on my credit score, Christian Bale, better gas mileage etc.), I’m having more… interesting cravings of late:

– a cat to adopt so I can name it after a cartoon lobster-like alien that has a Yiddish accent and no business holding a medical degree

– a landlord that allows pets

– the complete West Wing DVD set, even though I already have seasons 1-4 on DVD

– plain, yet ugly flats

– sub-50 degree weather, preferably rainy and stormy and thundery

– Jack Donaghy. I tried to analyze my inexplicable attraction towards this fictional blowhard, and all I can point to is his voice. Unfortunately, if he saw what I was wearing today, he’d declare me a homeless lesbian.

– a Mystic tan (NOOOOOOO!) Hopefully, this one will pass very soon.

– an iPhone, even though I’m trying to hold out until Google et. al. release their smartphones. I don’t know how long I can last… *gurgles*

Note: The macro has nothing to do with the content of the post. I couldn’t figure out a way to tie it in, but couldn’t bear to leave it unused, because it is BEAUTIFUL. I usually have no patience for Chuck Norris (HUCKABEEARGALRKGH!!) jokes, but this one qualifies as a masterpiece.

Carotid artery severing news source: Associated Press via ESPN.com
Photo: take one wild guess

January 3, 2008

things i enjoyed last year

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 10:03 pm by squishy

It’s a brand new year! How shiny and pretty! I feel old!

Note: I meant to post this earlier, but I was distracted.

The end of the year always, without fail, awakes the list-maker in all of us. Journalists/critics/any semi-literate biped compile their lists of top (enter multiple of five here) ____s. Top ten movies, television shows, books, cars, podcasts, sports teams, mattresses, scars, adverbs, simians, debt collecting services, what have you.

Here is my completely gratuitous list of things I enjoyed last year. Many of these aren’t new; I merely came across them in 2007. ‘Cause, you know, I’m on the cultural forefront and shit (I downloaded that Rihanna single last month!)

Juno – How can anything with Michael Cera, Allison Janney (total girl crush), Jason Bateman and J. K. Simmons NOT be good?
Ratatouille
artichoke hummus – I’ve never had hummus until this year.
Nellie McKay: Mother of Pearl – dance break!
that Stephen Colbert book
belated Dodgers’ youth movement – adios, Gonzo/Grady
Pushing Daisies – the show would be PERFECT if Lee Pace trimmed his eyebrows. I can’t focus when they pan to his face.
Jill Scott
Jeff Dunham – he somehow got hotter in his second Comedy Central special. A tan and a slight 5:00 shadow = magic.
John Mayer: Village Sessions
the Celtics – yeah, yeah, I’m on the bandwagon. Shame on me.
Superbad – most people’s favorite movie lists are much more highbrow (There Will Be Blood, No Country for Old Men, what have you).  Mine includes Superbad, Juno and Ratatouille. *ponders*
Thunderbird
Norah Jones and Peter Malick: New York City
Nicholas K sweaters
Burn Notice (a USA Network TV show about an ex-spy) – I feel like I’m learning something when I watch this. It’s borderline educational! And it doesn’t hurt that Jeffrey Donovan is on the attractive side (I was crushed when ‘Touching Evil’ was canceled).
the Putumayo series of music compilations
Trader Joe’s banana crisps (not to be confused with banana CHIPS)
Dexter – I just finished the first season, and I’m resisting the urge to whip through the second one.
Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings
Sephora’s free decanted fragrance samples – I didn’t know they did such a thing. Woo hoo!

I’m sad to say I didn’t read any books I really, really enjoyed. Sniffles.

September 26, 2007

people who can do no wrong

Posted in compulsive listmaking at 10:23 am by squishy

For no particular reason, and in no particular order:

Tim Gunn
Mike Rowe
Allison Janney
Vin Scully et Russell Martin
Natalie Portman
Brad Bird
Peter Sagal
Enya (don’t ask)