September 27, 2008

i should get a commission for each perv

Posted in miscellany at 3:00 pm by squishy

I went out last night (first time in LA… meh), and gave the UCLA Police Department’s telephone* to the creepy/molester/bald Italian guys who asked for my phone number.

I’m playing matchmaker and saving everyone a step.  They’re basically reporting themselves!

* I remember numbers exceptionally well.  Names, not so much.

PS: NL WEST CHAMPS BITCHES!  The division sucks, yes I know.  Shut up, Mini-Steinbrenner.

PPS: I just found out that my cousin is an ardent McCain supporter.  Guh.


September 15, 2008

moving blows

Posted in miscellany at 9:17 pm by squishy

…but thank the heavens for elevators.

EDIT! Day 3 of moving (it’s only from Orange to LA County; I guess it’s a trek if you take into consideration the horror that is the 405): it doesn’t blow any less.

September 3, 2008

i’m on a roll. i have the RNC to thank.

Posted in miscellany at 10:48 pm by squishy

Someone named Kelly left this comment at my new favorite website.  I had to share.

Republicans can either mock “liberal East Coast elites” or exploit 9/11. Not both. They can’t ridicule the live New Yorkers and declare that we have given up on America while they crassly use our tragedy and our dead to score political points.

On September 11, 2001, Sarah Palin’s husband belonged to a group that thought Alaska should secede from the United States. She doesn’t get to pretend she’s more American than the people that lost someone that day. That’s b*llsh*t.


And Mitt, shut the fuck up, you opportunistic hypocritical dicksmacker.

PS: The more I think about this speech, the angrier I’m getting.  I feel compelled to make the first campaign contribution in my life.

PPS: Oh, and that speech? It was written by a former Dubya speechwriter, Michael Scully.

August 28, 2008


Posted in miscellany at 10:20 pm by squishy

Not as powerful as 2004, but that’s probably due to the element of surprise (and lack thereof tonight); plus the bar is set pretty durn high when it comes to Mr. Obama and public speaking.  Good job all around, but I was already going to vote for him anyway, as is the majority of California.  I hope the folks in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Florida, Michigan and Virginia were paying attention.

If you haven’t checked it out already, I recommend giving FiveThirtyEight a click. It primarily deals with the polling/statistical side of elections, and it appeals to the numbers geek in me.

PS: Want to get pissed off in 7 seconds flat? Read the comments following the articles.  Some steaming nuggets of shit:

“[Obama] is the reincarnation of Jim Jones. Just shows Americans are lemmings and can be easily led down the path of their own destruction”

“Even Hitler gave a good speech” — which actually got deleted by the mods a few seconds after I copy-pasted.  Actually, a bunch just got deleted before I got a chance to copy them down.  One of them called him a “closet Muslim.”

Photo: NYT/Damon Winter


August 27, 2008

despite my flawless feedback (which i’m mighty proud of), i might have to open a new account

Posted in asshat!, miscellany at 12:12 am by squishy

It turns out that I’m a much more prolific time-wasting nutbag of a compulsive typer* when I have a real job**.

So, main topic.  Someone I went on one date with found out what my eBay user name is.  I don’t know how or why, but he found out, and looked up the shit I bought in the past month or so (or however long it is before eBay stops linking to your past purchases).  Unfortunately, I recently won a few bra auctions since all my old bras are the wrong fucking size, so he could see what kind/size of undergarments I got.  He was classy enough to mention this in one of the creepiest e-mails ever.

As you can surmise, there was an excellent reason why there wasn’t a second date.  I’m only embarrassed I acquiesced to go on that first date at all.


I also want to mention that ever since getting a new iMac, I have been crashing it twice a week.  Clockwork.  I think I’ve cross-contaminated it with my disease-addled PCs.  A lot of things I touch turn to shite.

* I’m trying my best not to refer myself as one who blogs, let alone a blogger.  I still can’t explain my aversion to that word; then again, very few of my aversions are explainable.  Or rational, for that matter.

** Although I did start a small business with my pop, which is GNAWING AWAY AT THE FIBER OF MY BEING to the point that said small business would have no regularity problems in the off chance it had a gastrointestinal tract.  Graduate school will feel like a vacation in comparison.

Photo: long time no ICHC

August 19, 2008


Posted in miscellany at 12:31 am by squishy

I quit my job, decompressed and enjoyed my time off.  I did nothing yet managed to waste plenty of money. The hours of sleep have increased, hours listening to NPR have decreased, and I have yet to go to a day game. Sunday would’ve been a good one. Walkoff hits are always nice, especially if it’s a hot player. Andre could stand to get a haircut, though.

Anyway, since I’ve last posted, Manny Ramírez was traded to the Dodgers and hit a bit, John Edwards admitted to an affair and may have even fathered a bastard kid, Dubya patted Misty May-Treanor’s upper ass, some dude with huge hands, feet, ears and short legs won a lot of medals, Pervez Musharraf resigned and Greg Maddux has been traded for.  Again.

It’ll take me a while to get back into the clichéd swing of things*. I mean, I almost forgot how to type.

* Among my long list of hated things, clichés are one of them. I couldn’t think of a better phrase, so I acknowledged the clichédness of the damn thing by prefacing it with “clichéd” but I still feel like a thoroughly unoriginal cheeseball for even typing that shit out. I’m open to suggestions, at which point I’ll delete it and pretend this never happened.

July 18, 2008

two-step program to guarantee weepiness in 2.5 minutes

Posted in miscellany at 2:24 pm by squishy

‘Cause you never know when it might come in handy.

1. Menstruate.

2. Look up Derek Redmond on Wikipedia, YouTube or ESPN.

Step 2 optional; sometimes step 1 is more than enough.

July 11, 2008

i am here; i just have nothing much to say

Posted in miscellany at 12:06 pm by squishy

14 more business days (not including today) until I am freed from the shackles of prostate cancer research and the inescapable stench of Stinker’s feet/sweat/cologne!  He, along with my fellow labmate/commiserator (much to her chagrin), has joined the departmental softball team, and was perhaps the dirtiest player (literally and figuratively) on the field.  Among other things, he slid hard into the 150 pound “second baseman” to break up a nonexistent double play.  In SOFTBALL. There was an injury delay… again, in SOFTBALL.

And the guy would not stop trash talking, despite the fact that only his unfortunate teammates were in earshot.  The captain (i.e. the schmoe who organized the league) had to lay it into him.

14 days.  Let the countdown begin.

PS: I love the new FireFox.  And I LOVE AdBlock.  I really don’t like the fact that all these Flash-happy ads are sucking up my cpu, so this does the trick.  Oh, how I love not having to see those things.

PPS: The Havaianas I bought in 2004 finally tore yesterday; the thong bit ripped out of the bottom.  Assuming I wore them about a quarter of the year, that’s a cost per wear of 4 cents.  Amazing.

June 23, 2008

he was the funniest ‘george’ i ever knew of

Posted in miscellany at 10:40 am by squishy

RIP George Carlin

I’m going to listen to his material today on my iPod and make strange faces while trying to suppress any laughter.

Photo: Source unknown.

June 16, 2008

how i spent my sunday

Posted in miscellany at 3:03 pm by squishy

a.k.a. If slugs gave a paternal damn, this is how they would celebrate Father’s Day.

We did nothing. Really. I hung out with my dad and we did nothing. I imagine this is what the inventors of television envisioned when they were tinkering with their glorious idiot-box.

“This shoddy faux-wood finished box with ridged knobby dial things and sticky/dusty antennae may look like crap now, but by george, they’ll one day spawn HIGH DEFINITION PLASMA TVS and we shall have people mesmerized, MESMERIZED BY OUR GLOWING PICTURES AND CLOSEUPS OF TIGER’S ENLARGED PORES!” And then Riddler/Jim Carrey runs away with the idea. That movie sucked. Only bat-nipples could’ve made it worse.

Hm? What’s that you say?

I consulted my mom to find out if my dad needed anything. He didn’t. Or if he particularly wanted anything. He didn’t*.

So I showed up on Sunday morning with some munchies, a 12-pack of his choice, the phone number for the local pizza place, and we parked our asses on the couch for the entire afternoon, to watch the Dodgers (sigh), Tiger (whoa) and the Lakers (whew).

* When asked what he wanted for Christmas one year, he actually said, quite earnestly and without any sarcasm, “nose hair trimmers. The automated kind.” He loves that thing. My mother will attest to the fact that his once hirsute nostrils are now quite dapper.

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